Baked 246 cookies today
my throat hurts like a bit*h,
but the music's great and i get to dance tomorrow.
life is fair.
goodnight!
-li'l dee

Writting new songs are like having babies.
They're so much freaking trouble but when you're in the process or grooming growing to learn to love it, how to dress it up in things the suit them best....
I haven't written a decent song since j-tusk,
and that was ages ago... alomst two years... what have I been doing?

Sometimes I feel like I've missed the plot.
Trying to fit in all the time,
feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a failure when I've got no one to call on the phone,
Staring at it waiting and knowing it won't ring unless it's kind of work related.
I can't complain that's what phone's are phone right?
I console myself by pretending it's all okay. When inside I tear myself apart.
I try to fall in love with all the wrong people just to get inspired to write.
I'm coughing again. I listen back to what I've got.
I start to cry, praying and wishing I didn't feel nothing.
As much as I tell myself feeling lie and feelings are only feelings,
I can't help but keep on going.
My insides are full of sorrow, pain, guilt, hate and anger.
At the same time, Love rattles of my assumed emptiness and resounds every part of my being and I know I'll be okay.
I've always been. Slowly I'll get up all over again.
It's not a cycle, not a vicious cycle I used to think I was running,
I appreciate the emotions I let myself crash into because I know eventually that I learnt from it.
Now I know I can't be ashamed of who I am,
I can't be afraid to think and wanting to do things the way I want to do them.
I can't keep acting strong because acting is what keeps my mental being on that sick cycle. When I really am moving on,
not even knowing it.
Time isn't going to wait for me to learn.
Either I learn it all now while I can,
and even then, time isn't going to wait.
I know, he told me.
So why not love?
To everyone I know,
everyone who reads this,
If I yell, all I mean is to talk...
If i'm nice, then accept it,
some people on this planet actually want to just be nice.
Tom, dick, harry,
someone I dance with, sing with, work with, talk to,
walk with, look at, touch, smile at, smile with, write with,
know or don't know...
I love you.
I love you all more than you or even I know.
Never feel like you're alone.
I may not be able to help everyone, but I can love everyone.
I'm trying and I'm learning.
Will you let me in?

somehow when nightfall takes over,
nights like last night become magical.
mixing up my dreams with reality
and for a couple of hours,
you can be and do anything you want.

all dressed up, keeping my back straight, looking for you.
The night goes on with lights, sounds and smiling people all around.
sometimes it feels almost like we all feel the same way.
and somehow I know that every single person there is just looking for one other
(sometimes a few others but you know what I mean)
but given the circumstance, a real conversation can never take place.
and your left wondering, is the person i'm looking for,
even looking for me?
wide eyed I peel through the crowd,
I know who I'm looking for,
I just don't know the face of this person for which I'm searching.
But it's okay, in the midst of it all I share 'I love you's and receive some too.
and those are amazing little gifts that mean more to me than finding the face to a dream that constantly tears me up.
I try not to think too much,
Because from the moment you took my hand I could barely concentrate
and before I know it I wake up in my bed with crystalized tears lacing my eyelashes.

This is how i've always seen it...
I find this really comfortable bench for one in a park.
(When the concept first started I was sitting on a rock but a bench just sounds better)
I get myself comfortable on the rock/bench then I start to people watch...
Some people I form immediate judgements about.
Okay, that's a lie. I form immediate conceptions about everyone
but hey, what you don't know can't kill you right?
There are the people whom stop to talk to me, once in awhile I let them sit on my rock/bench
(I call it mine because i've been hypothetically sitting in it for a couple of years now) Sometimes I talk to them and ask them where they've been what they've seen where they're going.. and if they get comfortable in my rock/bench I wonder off to the ladies or try to walk where they've been or where they're heading to or to just walk around but eventually I'll return to my rock/bench and continue to watch people.
Some stop to talk to me but I ignore them and when I see people I want to talk to sometimes I just don't have the guts to and sometimes I get up and try to walk with them to talk to them but alot of these people I feel get tired of me or are rushing to where they want to go and I get tired of the pirsuit and look for my rock/bench or for a new one.
I think it's time I get my ass off the rock and start walking.

Cuz it's getting too painful just watching and wanting and not looking for my own destination.

You breathe, count 1, 2, 3.
Another heatbeats stops.
Another laugh is lost.
Another heartache saved,
another day in vein.

Am I indulging too much
in personal thoughts?
Or can I blame the nature of my being.
Either way with blame comes guilt
and again I arise on the losing end.

Cold, I smell a scent that takes me back.
It's the smallest things that help me remember.
It's funny how memories work, huh?
You think they've stolen everything, discarding them to an un-noticed corner,
and yet the smallest thing sparks of the most vivid images,
aromas and emotions. With the smallest things.

As I reach out once again for my window sill,
I think of you and smile.
There are a million ways to love.
But only one love to receive them all.
Another highway to heartache,
And anticipated misery.
Shall I call lonliness up and cut to the chase?

Oh! To Love.

Welcome

Good evening everyone.
This is Deeadora Love coming to you live from my bedroom.
Get ready for my words cuz they're about to drop.